Finding my way..
For me, each day starts the same: The alarm on my phone goes off and I quickly grab it, my eyes still closed, and squeeze the life out of it trying the hit the buttons on the side that make it snooze. I have a new phone so these buttons are a little harder to find than on my old one. But I’m getting used to it, I’m learning to find the buttons faster and on average I wake up thirty minutes after the time I originally set my alarm for. That means I’m hitting the snooze button at least five times.
There are good days and there are bad days. The good days involve a lot more freedom than the bad days. The bad days require that I go to New Balance and sell shoes to older people who have back problems and carry canes. I stretch more often nowadays in order to push my own cane wielding days further into the future. Perhaps I will be 75.
The good days mean that I can sit in Panera or Starbucks like I am today and write notes on little pieces of paper, dreams of what will come one day. It’s days like these that my mind can carry me into the distant future, that my heart can hope for what’s around the corner; the unseen is a beautiful mystery.
I’m growing more and more thankful for my optimism. There are moments of doubt that try to slip through the cracks of my storm-proof house and instead of resisting them, I’ve learned to welcome them for a moment, sit down for a cup of coffee and share my concerns before I show them the door and move on with the rest of my day. I have every reason to be depressed right now but I’m not and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Have I forgotten how to feel anything? I don’t think so. I’m just learning to be thankful for what I have instead of feeling anxious for what I have not.
I heard somewhere that we all become atheists in moments of doubt and worry. Did you tell me that? Maybe I heard it in a dream. I admit that I am an atheist at least 10 hours every week. I believe this is healthy. It’s important for me to be honest with God, to tell him that I don’t believe that he really wants to give me the desires of my heart. I feel his Joy in these moments. It’s a scary thought, shining a light on hidden pessimism. There’s this concern that God is going to be ashamed of the things I show him, the things I want him to know. But I’ve found that as soon as the light is turned on that God is already there. It sounds hokey but it’s true. He’s waiting in the midst of my concern now and he’s also waiting in the midst of concern that I’m going to have in the future. Have you ever wondered about that? The fact that God knows what we’ll be dealing with in ten years and the idea that he’s preparing us for that now. He is relentless in his pursuit for us and part of that involves him molding us now so that we’ll be able to withstand the pain of the future.
It’s weird to me now more than ever that I only get one chance at all of this. Right now I wish incarnation were true so that I could try to get it right next time. But this is all I have. I look back on my life and I wonder how much time I’ve wasted, how much time I’ve spent on things that don’t really matter. I’m good at video games and I think that’s funny because I’m learning to perform well in a world that doesn’t even exist. Was that a waste of time? I hope not. I probably wont stop playing.
I quit my job recently and someone asked me why I did that and I told them that I’d rather be broke and chasing what I love than making money doing something that bores me to tears. I didn’t say that…I tried to but it took me more than one sentence. I have three more weeks left of working at New Balance and I’ll be glad when that’s over so that I can pursue other things.
Anyway, I’m starting this blag because I feel like I’m ready for a new beginning. Something is happening in me. I’m out of school and ready to move on into whatever it is that God has in store for me. I quit my job to focus more on writing and I want that to take some sort of priority in my life. Hopefully this will be a good place to explore that.
Please know that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and I hope you find some sort of comfort in that. I think if I had a full time job and a steady flow of cash coming in that I would be a terrible person right now. My current situation has forced me to trust God more. Some people say that they have an easier time praising God when things are going well and that it’s harder for them to praise God when things are bad. Well, for me it’s always been the other way around. When things are going well, I sort of forget that God is even necessary in my life. So I’ll take this as a time to learn how important God is.
I found out today that I made it into this.
Here’s to a new beginning.